i am such a dork.

i don't have real feelings. please disregard that last post.

Christmas is in a week... still haven't really sussed out what i want to get anyone. i'm not very excited about it this year. life has just been difficult, and nothing is easy anymore- especially with out family. when Jordan died (which will be a year ago on the 20th) things really went downhill- as if things weren't already on a slippery slope to Hades already (thanks Nancy). ugh. and this year, the whole divorced family has really set in... with dad being in the country and all, it kinda forced matt and i to make our own decisions about where we wanted to be... i feel like i should be there for Kaitlin and the rest of the family, since it's a tough time of the year for them- whereas matt is letting the guilt of our other grandmother, Ginny, losing her mind, and dad about to move to Nigeria get in the way... so he'll be with them for christmas. it's sad, because Matt and Nate are the 2 people i want to spendd the holidays with the most, and i won't get to see either of them Christmas day. (though, i think Matt may stop by here Xmas eve on his way out there, and Mom and i are making reservations to possibly go see Nate new years. so i'm really ocmplaining for nothing.) i guess it's just the novelty of spending actual Christmas day with the people most important to you. ah well... one day.

on another note, New York has all but completely fallen through. my dad won't pay for it. period. so, i'm looking at UTDallas. once things in my life are a little different, maybe in time for getting my masters, it'll be time for New York... but all things happen for a reason, and there is a time and place for all things, and i guess right now just isn't the time for me to do that. I refuse to admit that he is right, but he does have some good points. I should stay in the south for a little while longer, if for no one else than Buddy. :) such a cute little shit.

time for bed. i must get something accomplished tomorrow... what, i'm not sure, but it'll be something.