home.

growing up abroad, our little family motto was always "home is where your toothbrush is."

now that i've grown up a little, i've come to realize. home is where there is love. "where the heart is" is sooooo laaaaame- but i feel love in a few different places. wherever my mom and dog are... wherever my brothers are, either one or both... or at my grandma's... or with my cousins...

family is wonderful. Christmas was wonderful. to be honest, i didn't get anything really really cool for christmas- some coach sunglasses, a couple AMAzING bras fro victorias secret, and gift cards. This was the first Christmas i truly didn't care though. i've always said "it's not about the gifts"... but i really felt it this year. blame it on the economy, but being around my crazy loud country family, and laughing with them was better than any physical gift. within reason, i mean... i definitely wouldn't turn down a new laptop or a prius or an elephant or something... i'm just sayin.

anyway, a year after Jordan's passing, same house, same family... it was a different dynamic, sans a few people (namely my brothers and jordy)- but definitely the same, lovely, comfortable warm fuzzy feeling. they may be nuts... but i love my family. i love to be loved. and i wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

next up: New Years in Dallas. :))) Ethan's parents have invited my mom over, so it'll be me n him- and i'm sure we'll find some shenanigans to get up to, hopefully but not necessarily with more people.

i must go to bed. i need to catch up on my sleep- this wakingup at 6 am twice in 3 days was just not acceptable.

i am such a dork.

i don't have real feelings. please disregard that last post.

Christmas is in a week... still haven't really sussed out what i want to get anyone. i'm not very excited about it this year. life has just been difficult, and nothing is easy anymore- especially with out family. when Jordan died (which will be a year ago on the 20th) things really went downhill- as if things weren't already on a slippery slope to Hades already (thanks Nancy). ugh. and this year, the whole divorced family has really set in... with dad being in the country and all, it kinda forced matt and i to make our own decisions about where we wanted to be... i feel like i should be there for Kaitlin and the rest of the family, since it's a tough time of the year for them- whereas matt is letting the guilt of our other grandmother, Ginny, losing her mind, and dad about to move to Nigeria get in the way... so he'll be with them for christmas. it's sad, because Matt and Nate are the 2 people i want to spendd the holidays with the most, and i won't get to see either of them Christmas day. (though, i think Matt may stop by here Xmas eve on his way out there, and Mom and i are making reservations to possibly go see Nate new years. so i'm really ocmplaining for nothing.) i guess it's just the novelty of spending actual Christmas day with the people most important to you. ah well... one day.

on another note, New York has all but completely fallen through. my dad won't pay for it. period. so, i'm looking at UTDallas. once things in my life are a little different, maybe in time for getting my masters, it'll be time for New York... but all things happen for a reason, and there is a time and place for all things, and i guess right now just isn't the time for me to do that. I refuse to admit that he is right, but he does have some good points. I should stay in the south for a little while longer, if for no one else than Buddy. :) such a cute little shit.

time for bed. i must get something accomplished tomorrow... what, i'm not sure, but it'll be something.

celine dion can suck it.

taking chances is crap.

i don't like this feeling i have- i put myself out there emotionally, for the first time in... a long time. like... in 4 years. and just have this distinct feeling that i'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. actually, it's not a distinct feeling- i know (thanks facebook) that i am no longer the one and only. and it hurts. that being said, it's not like we're even close to being in any resemblance of a relationship, so i have no real right to be jealous or anything. It's just...

i feel like i have emotionally invested in a dead end street. and i feel silly for it. and i hurt. but for no valid reason.

talking or texting or whatever almost daily, hooking up... that should mean something, right? but it doesn't mean enough to qualify for that exclusive label that i'm wanting. what the hell is wrong with me?! i've never wanted that!! exclusive label, are you kidding me?! i guess it's just knowing i'm no longer the top of the list that hurts, and makes me feel like i want to be exclusive... i dunno what the hell i'm saying. i mean, i would want to be able to be with other people too, if i wanted to... i just... don't want to. i don't want to be with anyone else.

ew. i am disgusted at myself for acting like such a foolish little girl. i'm not being fair. i need to see this for what it is, and move on. long distance just doesn't work. i've known this all along- i just let myself get too caught up in the prospect of it... probably because i'm lonely here. i just need a new distraction... that's not this.

i guess it's that i don't like that i risked something, put myself out there... and got burned. i'm not used to this predicament. it stings.

I wish it were easier for my heart to do what my brain tells it to.

reason vs passion, right Khalil?

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

procrastination.

i will not get on facebook. i will not get on facebook. i will not get on facebook.

i will continue studying for my bio final in 10 hours.

...i will not get on facebook.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

reason #584 i'm lame.

one of the things that excites me most about the new year is using my snazzy new grown up black leather with a cute buckle daytimer, whose filler pages i just ordered. wish i would've known that there was a student section where the calendar year started in august though, or i would've ordered them way sooner. ah well, i got it for like half the price! woo! good lord i'm cheap.

Christmas is around the corner- 2 weeks away, to be precise- and i haven't really gotten anything ready for anyone. that, and i don't have plans. because my family sucks at making plans. everyone's reluctanat to go other places, and we're all poor. My dad wants me to come to Midland with his family... my Grandma has pretty much lost her mind- called me Tami half the time last year at thanksgiving. i feel guilty, but i really just don't wanna go. all they do is talk about how they don't really know me, and i wanna be like "WELL THAT'S WHY I'M HERE! GET TO KNOW ME!" ugh. my uncle Phil said like, 2 sentences to me last year. when it comes down to it... i'd rather feel really loved at Christmas, than just a sense of obligation.

I need to shop for people. i've bought a couple things, but can't really decide who to give them to... ill see. i'll probably just end up giving people starbucks cards lol. FAIL.

i like red. i think it's my favorite color. i'm wearing a lot of it today.

also, i used my amazing bargaining power with my boss to get off for xmas eve, and new years eve through jan 11th! she asked me to come in for someone AGAIN, and i was like "k so here's the thing.... since i allllways come in when you ask me to, could i get a big favor from you?"

Kelly: 1, Starbucks: 0.

booyah, grandma.

ps) i'm quite certain this girl at work has a girl crush on me. i get uncomfortable when people call me babe. siiiiigh. .......it's tough being a sexy bitch. ;) lol. (too bad i'm actually just a total nerdy awkward spaz. i just hide it well.)

date with my charming british boy in a week or so! who'd have thought, 5 years ago, that this would happen. haha.