taking chances is crap.
i don't like this feeling i have- i put myself out there emotionally, for the first time in... a long time. like... in 4 years. and just have this distinct feeling that i'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. actually, it's not a distinct feeling- i know (thanks facebook) that i am no longer the one and only. and it hurts. that being said, it's not like we're even close to being in any resemblance of a relationship, so i have no real right to be jealous or anything. It's just...
i feel like i have emotionally invested in a dead end street. and i feel silly for it. and i hurt. but for no valid reason.
talking or texting or whatever almost daily, hooking up... that should mean something, right? but it doesn't mean enough to qualify for that exclusive label that i'm wanting. what the hell is wrong with me?! i've never wanted that!! exclusive label, are you kidding me?! i guess it's just knowing i'm no longer the top of the list that hurts, and makes me feel like i want to be exclusive... i dunno what the hell i'm saying. i mean, i would want to be able to be with other people too, if i wanted to... i just... don't want to. i don't want to be with anyone else.
ew. i am disgusted at myself for acting like such a foolish little girl. i'm not being fair. i need to see this for what it is, and move on. long distance just doesn't work. i've known this all along- i just let myself get too caught up in the prospect of it... probably because i'm lonely here. i just need a new distraction... that's not this.
i guess it's that i don't like that i risked something, put myself out there... and got burned. i'm not used to this predicament. it stings.
I wish it were easier for my heart to do what my brain tells it to.
reason vs passion, right Khalil?
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Kelly, don't ever regret putting yourself out there and taking a chance emotionally. The whole point is that we make ourselves completely vulnerable and, most of the time, get bitch-slapped by life in return. You wanted something and you went for it. There is nothing else you could have done, and now it's time to go to the next endeavor (which is becoming a lez so we can get married in Boston, sound good? Haha jk jk love)
ReplyDeleteAnd if he was with someone while hooking up with you, then he's quite a scumbag anyhow and would end up a cheatin' lyin' sonufabitch. I'll castrate any little British wanker that fucks with your heart.
You are not acting like a foolish little girl. It stings but that's the downside of any prospective relationship I guess. Ok... I'll quit preaching my hideously inept thoughts on love and life and tell you that you're a hot bitch and men are intimidated by your sexual prowess. Rawr.